Second marriage is something that each divorced person views differently.
No matter how you look at it, anyone who marries someone who is divorced is inheriting a second marriage problems; a bad situation right from the start. Otherwise, the person they are marrying would never have divorced their spouse. Even if there are not kids involved, you are still walking into a less than ideal situation. The pressure is on the new spouse. They have no room to screw up, and most likely, they will not be getting the same of years that their predecessor got. When you love someone, you have to love all of that person, and that means the children and the problems that he or she has a result of the divorce.
The problems might be emotional or financial or physical or situational. But, it can also an unbelievably fulfilling experience to give so much of yourself for someone you love. After all, look at the high statistic of second marriage divorces. So, the takeaway is, if you want to be happy in second marriage, be realistic and true to your heart that you can take on this situation, that you WANT to take it on.
They have no room to screw up. The pressure is not on the new spouse but rather both people in the second marriage. They need to work together as a team, they need to communicate with each other, and they need to prevent harboring resentment. They also need to make time for themselves. Because the problems and issues in the family are always going to be there and needing to be managed but the opportunities for good times together are fleeting.
Mini-vacations and date nights need to be planned well ahead and be built into the program of the second marriage. An effort to make each other feel loved and sexy and appreciated and respected is completely necessary for a second marriage to work. I think all divorced people come with baggage and by the way, so do all single people.
That said, divorced people are beautiful, wonderful people who prefer monogamy since they chose to get married in the first place and who just want to be loved and cherished and happy. I think they understand that second marriage problems are real. But, they want the peace and warmth and happiness that was lacking in their first marriage. Is that too much to ask? It comes down to finding the right person, who brings out the best in you and who makes you want to take on the second marriage problems because you know you can handle them as a team.
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A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor.
Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. No matter what happened in the marriage, it takes two to tango.
So if one spouse is conflict avoidant and never gets therapy to get over it, of course they will bring that into the 2nd marriage. And as we know conflict avoidance is unhealthy and the same problems will repeat.
Second marriage problems and how to handle them
So the main idea is to make sure you are marrying someone who takes responsibility for their part in the divorce and has utilized every resource possible to overcome it. My marriage was the best teacher. Man o Man I am so glad not everyone thinks of a divorcee as something so bad like the original exerts.
I do however believe there is a huge pressure on the divorcee to get it right the second time. I think its my job to fix myself, not carry the same issues over to the next person, and actually be with the right person. I unfortunately didnt see the s that my ex was waving infront of me!! I want to break the stigma that the second marriage will fail too!
Not sure what state you are in, but to what degree do guys really get mistreated in the family court system? Is there merit to the indictment of the family courts, that there is real bias against men? Or is this just rhetoric?
As someone whose first marriage failed 4 years ago, I can say I find the idea of second marriage absolutely absurd. Mafrige is an eternal commitment to one person. Making that commitment twice is pretty much laughable. And, yes, it sucks for the. Have you ever considered that perhaps marriage is an archaic outdated institution? There are many who have come to believe that for younger people marriage has long ago been destroyed by the IRS, the family courts, and the deindustrialization of the USA.
He believes that it is only a matter of time until he would be relegated to little more than an upright dog with a paycheck supporting an ex wife and kids who will only hate him. In fact, one of my undergraduate students told me he sees little to no benefit for a man in marriage but a LOT of risks. He told me that at age 21 he got a vasectomy and lives well now. I have to say, I do not think you are wrong in what you have argued. Personally, although married for a second time, I can say that were I single again I probably would not marry again, but that is not a definite decision.
My reason for saying that is just that I think the really important thing in any relationship is the love, care respect, empathy, realism, hard work and humour that you build or develop in your relationship. Whether you marry or not is not the important thing for me, it is rather about the quality of the relationship and if the quality is great you can marry, cohabitate, or even live separately if you want.
What matters is the nature and quality of your relationship for me, more than anything else. I have never been divorced as I have been with my college sweetheart for 30 years. The fights over child support, alimony, expenses, visitation sound like a real grotesque kind of hell that borders on a dysfunctional form of financial polyamory. The real victims are men who typically get destroyed by alimony.
Child support I understand. To me, that is a special kind of viciousness! Listen to the podcast! Thank you again for all that you do. Seriously, you should be a therapist. Thank you beyond measure.
Second marriage problems
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Five reasons why second marriages might fail at a high rate
Dating, Relationships and Sex. Health and Wellness After Divorce. November 30th, Reply.
Jackie Pilossoph Very smart advice. December 1st, Reply. December 13th, Reply. Jackie Pilossoph Love it. December 14th, Reply.