My life coach once suggested I give myself the love I needed, which saddened me profoundly. In fact, I had not met anyone who completely gave up on the idea of finding love, no matter how long they had been single. I myself was happily single for years and yet deep down, there was still that expectation of finding love one day. I felt alone all my life—in my family, among friends, and even in the long-term relationship I once had.
That was probably why I always secretly yearned for that special someone who would understand me at the deepest level and love me the way I would like to be loved.
When searching for love, you must first find love for yourself
Someone who would take away my loneliness…. I knew love was also about the joy of giving and being there for another person. However, my need for love was ultimately a desire for support and assurance. After all, being single never bothered me when life felt great in every way! It suddenly struck me, what if I went through the rest of my life never meeting this perfect someone?
Could I somehow give myself the support and assurance needed? Finding love was an exhausted topic. However, while the concept Searching for love love was broad, when it came to finding lovepeople almost exclusively meant love for and from another being. When we felt the desire for love, we therefore naturally sought it out of ourselves.
What if, by finding enough love from within, we no longer felt the need for that special someone? It was easier to ignore my problems believing that the solutions to them were already out there in the form of this great love that I, like most people, would eventually find. It was comforting to think that once this love was found, life would suddenly become better without me having to work anything out. The perfect partner would halve the weight of my life responsibilities, take away my moments of fears, and increase my happiness tenfold—so I hoped.
And that was not exactly a comfortable thought. A terrible thing: no one to blame!
Searching for love: a scavenger hunt
The hope for a magical solution someday took away the pressure of this moment, but with it went the power to impact my own life today. Then, as if to test my resolve to find love and courage from within, life threw me a month of inner turmoil. My fears, doubt, and confusion were so consuming that for weeks I felt physically weak. I had given myself twelve months to freely learn and develop, taking the risks I would not have considered in my corporate life.
Searching for love images
In the spirit of embracing the unknown, I had been going wherever passion and opportunities took me. What if I did not have what it took to build a career on my own terms? What if the impact I wanted to make in the world was no more than an indulgent dream? Did I just let my ego take over when rejecting outright the idea of going back to full-time employment? Had I abandoned my responsibilities to myself and my family in this heady place of living a passion? Alone in what seemed like a fight for sanity, I desperately searched for a way to give myself the support needed. I knew that while my feelings Searching for love associated with unresolved problems, I could feel differently without anything being resolved.
The emotions were a result of me being caught in a spiral of destructive thoughts and perceptions. However, there was no good forcing positive thoughts through because my emotions had by Searching for love become a physical felt sense that would just stay there in my body even when my mind was far from my worries. Every day went by with me increasingly aware of something heavy constantly choking my throat and pressing down on my heart. Tears would stream out in random moments for no apparent reason. It was in that state that I attended a session called kindfulness —mindfulness practice with kindness.
When I mentioned to the teacher about my usual problem of being distracted by thoughts in meditation and my fear of being even more aware of my heavy feeling while focusing on the present momentI was told to welcome and be with whatever came. As I turned my attention to what was happening around me and within me, I was acutely aware of my distracting negative thoughts and that heavy felt sense.
However, I was also drawn to the soothing sight of leaves shimmering in the breeze under the sun outside. Just like that, my focus swiftly and freely moved from one thing to another. For ten minutes, I sat there observing and accepting. Unlike with my other attempts to meditate, I for once did not mind the fact that I was doing it badly.
To my amazement, my heavy felt sense virtually disappeared after the session. Just to make sure I was not fooling myself, I turned my mind to the unsolved issues. They were still there, only, I no longer felt them the way I had.
I realized that it was probably the first time I gave myself a gesture of gentle kindness. There were no must, should, need to in those ten minutes.
Neither was there a familiar inner voice telling me that this quiet time was a rare treat and I would have to work hard to earn it again. Like a true friend, I simply gave myself the tenderness of acceptance and Searching for love. So it was by chance on a random Sunday afternoon that I found the love I needed—not in the courage that I had thought I would have to build, but in the softness of newly-found kindness for myself. When I drift into thoughts of being in a relationship these days, I find that my former neediness has now been replaced by simple curiosity.
Without expectations of support and assurance from a partner, I wonder what my new experience of romance would be like. I find myself smiling mischievously at the thought. When destructive emotions take over, we are often overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness that sends us looking for support in others. It is great when such external support can be found in a loved one, but it is also immensely liberating to know that with a little self-compassionyou alone can be the solution to what seems like your greatest struggle.
After all, as it is often said, we cannot expect from others what we cannot give ourselves. Find love image via Shutterstock. As a transformational coachChi empowers people who feel stifled by mainstream thinking to create success their ways. She also helps businesses engage their audience more effectively with clarity of vision and storytelling. Chi brings a unique expressive energy and a passion for authenticity to her work.
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Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Why though? Someone who would take away my loneliness… I knew love was also about the joy of giving and being there for another person. Empowering, but scary, I found. About Chi Phan As a transformational coachChi empowers people who feel stifled by mainstream thinking to create success their ways.
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