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It brings up a tone of shame that I have to then work through. If you have an anxious attachment style, you externalize your needs more and might in fact have more needs than other people. The key concept to understand is that you have the ability to fulfill most of those needs yourself.
Posted November 14, Reviewed by Kaja Perina. The reason you are needy is because social needs fuel your drive to connect with others and succeed.
On the positive side, your needs are the drivers of your success. My need for attention helps me to succeed as a writer, teacher and public speaker.
My need for recognition drives my desire to do good work. My need for control helps me take charge of projects and run a successful business. Your needs emerge from your ego identitywhich was formed based on what you discovered would help you survive and thrive. You found what might help you be seen and recognized, or what would keep you from standing out if that felt unsafe.
1. they are always blowing up your phone
You learned what you could be good at that made you feel worthwhile. You identified what limits you could push, what brought you joy, and what lines you would or would not cross. Your identity is who you think you are today, and what you think you need from other people such as respect, recognition, a sense of value, control, predictability, being liked, or independence.
On the shadow side, the rejection or violation of your need may trigger a range of emotions including fearangervengefulness, disappointment, frustration, sadness and possibly determination. I am going to find a way to get it.
Your mind is always plotting to get what you need or protecting you from someone who wants to take your need away. It is also busy concocting rationalizations to explain your reactions to your unmet needs. Therefore, you are needy. I am needy. Everyone you know is needy. We all want to be seen, understood, feel cared for, and feel valued for what we offer. You can become the master of your needs instead of letting them control you.
2. they feel insecure around your attractive friends or co-workers
The first step is to notice your reactions as soon as you can. Can you feel the lurch in your stomach, when your chest and breathing contract, and your urge to defend or shut down? Catch yourself judging and criticizing others, or feeling shame or even gloating in reaction to what is occurring. Your comparative judgment blocks you from seeing what you can learn from a situation.
Why having needs is important to your success.
It keeps you from having conversations that could improve your life. Reactions to unmet needs stop you from feeling content.
As if you were watching a movie, notice your reactions with curiosity, respect, and compassion. Hear the noise in your head.
If someone is calling you needy… you need to know this
The noise is your teacher to help you grow. Be with your emotions so you can understand the unfulfilled need that triggered them. When you discover the unmet or desired needs, you can choose what to do next. Here are the steps:. No human is free of these reactions.
When something arises, just be with it. Notice it. Learn from it. Finally, you might find someone else, a good friend or coach, to start this work with you.
About the author
Your ego often blocks self-exploration. To shake up your brain, share this post with someone else you can be honest, vulnerable, and open with.
Your needs fill your life with good things. Because of them, you feel joy and passion. Honor both your needs and your reactions when they are threatened as a part of being human. In time, you will come to accept, amuse and appreciate yourself better. Shambhala, Boston, Marcia Reynolds, PsyD.
She is the President of Covisioning, a leadership development firm. Marcia Reynolds Psy. Wander Woman.
What does it really mean to be needy?
References A. About the Author. Read Next. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Personality Passive Aggression Personality Shyness. Family Life Child Development Parenting. View Help Index. Do I Need Help?
Back Magazine. July Who Is the True You? Back Today. Essential Re.