When it comes to cheating, people usually have very black-and-white attitudes. Emotions, circumstances, figuring shit out as we go — all of this plays into every aspect of our lives, and of course our relationships. But the older I get, the more I realise that every act of cheating is different, with many decisions good and bad made along the way.
We became friends and things remained platonic for a few months, but I had known I had a crush on her essentially since meeting her. However, she identified as straight so I knew it would be an unrequited crush and I needed to get over it.
Eventually I told Ferne how I felt when very drunk and a few weeks later when drunk again I told her I had to start distancing myself from her since my feelings were becoming too strong. That was the first night Ferne and I hooked up. I had wanted to be with her for so long I think that overtook my feeling of guilt, because it felt right. But now looking back I realise I had been mentally cheating on Georgie for months, which in a way is worse.
I thought I would feel more guilty than I did. I think because I had wanted to have something happen between me and Ferne for so long, the feeling of excitement was stronger.
That makes me feel worse now. Ferne and I slowly started seeing each other more and more after Georgie and I ended. We ended up dating exclusively for 6 months. Before we became official I told her that I had lied about my partner and I being in an open relationship. She thankfully understood but I still felt it was a horrible way to start our relationship. And hated myself more for feeling more guilty about lying to her about that when I cheated on my partner of 2 years.
She knew I had a crush on Ferne apparently I had told her when I was drunk, did someone say pattern?
I have definitely learnt that what starts in chaos almost always ends in chaos. Think how you would feel if you were the one that was being lied to and cheated on. Would that make you do anything differently? I kept sleeping with my ex-boyfriend for a fairly long time after he had a new partner.
Like, years — although not regularly, not that it makes it any better. I eventually realised he had somehow managed to play us both. He was getting everything he wanted without having to be good for, or to, either of us.
I moved to another country for a new job, which helped move on from the relationship. Also, not married and no kids, that made it feel less bad. I actually met Sinead when her drunk-ass friend hit on me at the pub. I politely declined, but then her friend and I ended up chatting and we were actually keen on each other.
Her friend got mywe all wound up hanging out again, but this time me and Sinead hit it off. Obviously it did, and we ended up in bed. I honestly thought she was off limits. That was that. So when things got out of hand, I felt real bad about it.
Our hook up lasted years.
We kept on with it after she amicably split with her boyfriend. About a year after they split, he found out and the shit hit the fan. After that we decided that if we were gonna keep seeing each other it had to be a real relationship. We were spectacularly incompatible and our relationship had started under awful circumstances.
It limped along for about 9 more months before we put it out of its misery. Nothing about my experience changed my mind about that. I still feel that way today.
I have two pieces of advice from my experience. Firstly, if you are considering cheating, I think you should try to bear two things in mind. One, imagine lying to your partner about it afterwards. Lying is horrible and you will necessarily be forced to debase yourself. Even if your partner never finds out, you will suffer for it. I was married, but while working on a TV show in a foreign country, I met Luke. The director who came on to guest direct the show actually sat us down one night and talked to us about how there was so much tension between us and we should do something about it.
So we did. Luke was also married. We actually lived in the same city, too, and did see each other there once. Hooking up when we were in the same city as our spouses was trickier and much more laden with guilt that our initial affair. Something that surprised me was the happiness I felt with Luke, honestly.
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I think he was the first person to every actually see me for who I was, and to love me without conditions. That was a huge surprise. I expected much more guilt, and much more misery. The joy was a shock.
We continued with our affair for several months, but then ended things and we both tried to make our respective marriages work. He and his wife stayed together a few months after our affair and then split up.
Prior to my own affair and the two years of reflection that have since followed I thought that an affair was something you could work through with a partner, and happened for a multitude of reasons. I learned SO much about myself from the affair. About what I actually need from a relationship which I did get from the affair but not from my partnerabout how I let myself get so unhappy that I unconsciously did something irreversible to end it, about how afraid I was to hurt someone by leaving that I hurt them even more than I would have done had I just walked away, about how I was afraid of the practicalities of leaving as much as the emotional side… so so many things.
Are you still in love with your partner or is it time to leave? What are you not getting that this affair will give to you? There is a lot of deep thinking that follows an affair, and there is always, always a massive fallout. So better to do the deep thinking first, before you have anything to regret. I was dating Luke before I went overseas for what was meant to be a 2-year trip.
When I came back after six months he was dating someone else, which was fine. This went on for weeks and it was horrible. So when he tried to hook up with me while they were dating, I guess part of me wanted to do it just to shove it to her.
My advice for the people in relationships? Be kind to those you see as threats. For the singles? I met Yael through a friend that I worked with. I was 19 and he was We were on and off for a year before it got really messy. His wife found out about me after spotting us at our local shopping centre. At 12am he said he had to go and I was like why? He said yeah, so he left.
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I was sad at first because I felt young and dumb, but then I remembered that his card was down so I ordered the most expensive bottle of champagne and all this food on room service, slept in and left in the morning. To be honest, I was young and naive at the time so I took everything he said at face value.
I feel bad for her, having known that he cheated with a girl multiple times — and who knows how many other times.