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She said she likes his "carefree-free demeanor" because she knows you aren't that way and you view that as a flaw in yourself. Basiy, she's kicking you where it hurts. She just had stared down a potential death. That effected her. She is probably questioning her life as a whole. You need to confront the fact that she already be out of the relationship; maybe not physiy, but emotionally.
Anytime a wife is looking for the husband to "pay more attention" it is because she feels neglected. You not realize this because she, obviously, has a hard time expressing herself to you. She and you are accustomed to a certain way of interacting.
She wants you to be around more but when you are you get on her nerves because she has come to think of the home as "her domain. It pisses women off. She wants you there but at the same time she's gotten so used to being on her own that she's forgotten how to share. I this whole scenario "re-entry.
My husband has always spent a lot of time doing his own thing and I never wanted to say anything because I wanted him to enjoy his life. In the meantime, I hated mine. The few times I did say something, he did what he wanted anyway because I think he was confused. You need to a therapist who specializes in couple communication. Sounds to me like she was raised in a male dominant household and have not been able to speak her mind all these years. I, certainly, could be wrong, but usually women who are hesitant to negotiate limits with their husbands, and state their needs, feel that they are beholden in some way to their husband and that they are responsible for the -'s happiness to the exclusion of their own.