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Guilt over infidelity chica picking boy to massage

Some of those men are fathers. And while fantasizing about infidelity is far more commonplace than actual cheating, it does happen.


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A few years ago, I cheated on my long-term boyfriend. We've since put in a lot of effort to put it behind us.

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However, I still feel guilty, ashamed, sad and upset about what I did. We've always got on really well, laughed and joked together and been able to talk about stuff. He is the nicest, kindest, most patient person I know - he's a really good person who loves only me.

Since the affair, I've really struggled to be intimate with him. Hugging is ok but anything more feels too much for me. I feel like kissing and sex means getting into a hepace that I'm not ready for yet. I know it sounds ridiculous, but being intimate feels "disloyal" to the person I had an affair with - it's too much emotion and vulnerability to handle.

To forgive or not to forgive.

Despite this, my boyfriend seems quite positive about the future, whilst I can only see how much I have hurt him and ruined things. My friends have suggested I leave him as I've been unhappy for a few years now. More though, because of my depression I'm in counselling and my crying, lethargy and feelings of guilt.

I wish I could turn back time, but I can't and equally I can't deal with the reality either. It's like it's impossible for me to feel at peace or settle which is heartbreaking. Where on earth has all this guilt come from? In either scenario, the key factor in recovery is understanding and forgiveness from both partners. From what you say, your boyfriend has embraced this concept a little more readily than you. I have found myself wondering if for you, maybe this affair has triggered some thoughts and feelings that actually relate to an earlier event.

Perhaps something happened ly where you either felt blamed or unforgiven, or maybe you have found it difficult to forgive someone else. In some families, there always has to be the person who gets the blame for everything when others can apparently do no wrong.

Any and all of these experiences can mean that aswe naturally react to them as children. Unfortunately the legacy of this is that as adults, we sometimes experience mistakes as if we were children again, i. Of course, all these feelings are very likely to make it extremely problematic when it comes to self-forgiveness.

These feelings can be so powerful that we carry them around and unknowingly take them into adult relationships. Then when we make a mistake, it becomes almost impossible to see that we deserve to be forgiven. So testing it often becomes quite an art form. Now, testing comes in all shapes and sizes and one of them is having an affair or cheating — whatever you want to call it.

Having an affair in these circumstances creates a gap or void between you and your partner. In a funny sort of way, it helps you to feel more in control.

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My final point, though, is this. Your friends are telling you to move on. Moving on will only mean that you take all the guilt and distress with you.

But if you get the right sort of help this may enable you to accept that you deserve to see what happened in a different light. If you have a relationship worry you would like some help with, please send it to askammanda relate.

Ask Ammanda: I cheated on my boyfriend but I can't get over the guilt. Ammanda says … Where on earth has all this guilt come from?